Feelings I Can't Fight
by BackpackBetsy
Summary: Jogan fic. When Logan goes out on a date with Blaine, Julian finds himself facing the harsh reality that he may always be stuck watching Logan be happy with someone else.


**A/N:** A bit heavier than what I normally write, and even a bit cheesy, but I like it. (:

Characters belong to the lovely CP Coulter and the song belongs to whoever wrote the music for Moulin Rouge! As usual, the story is mine.

Enjoy!

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><p>"Lo? Derek? You guys here?"<p>

Julian poked his head in the boys' double, and found only Derek there, glued to the television screen as he mercilessly pounded the buttons of a controller. The fighting game on the screen indicated that he was losing sorely to the computer-player.

"Yo, D!" Julian said louder, flicking the lights on and off to try to get his friend's attention. Derek grunted in return, then, despite waving the controller through the air as if that would help his player, was defeated. He threw the controller down and turned to Julian.

"What?" he asked shortly. Julian rolled his eyes.

"Hello to you too," he said snidely. He walked in and looked around the room. "No Logan tonight?"

Derek shook his head, brow furrowing slightly.

"Don't you remember?" he asked, smirking slightly. "He's going out with Blaine tonight. Of course, by 'out' I mean they're practicing some song for Warblers, and by 'practicing some song' I mean…" Derek wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and Julian forced a smile.

"And that leaves us bachelors alone tonight, huh?" he asked, walking over and sitting next to Derek on the floor. He picked up a second controller and plugged it in. Suddenly he felt like he needed something to distract him as his thoughts immediately went to Blaine and Logan.

_His eyes upon your face-_

"What do you say? I bet I can kick your ass so bad you'll be limping at practice tomorrow," Julian challenged with a smirk. Derek grinned.

"You're on."

Julian tried to focus on the game, though it was one he'd never actually been that good at anyway. Still, round after round Derek beat the actor with such ease Julian might as well have unplugged his controller.

_His hand upon your hand-_

"What the hell, Jules?" Derek asked, "You're sucking more than usual."

Julian blinked, snapped out of a thought by Derek's words.

"Oh?" he answered vaguely. "Um, yeah. Just, you know, tired, s'all."

_His lips caress your skin-_

"You know what, I think I'm gonna pass out early," the actor said, standing and stretching. His eyes lingered just for a moment on Logan's bed, before he looked to Derek and smiled.

"G'night," he said, and with a small wave quickly left the room.

He couldn't stay in there. There was too much _Logan_ in the room. His bed, his furniture, his scent; they all served as reminders of tall blonde. Logan himself was the one thing that wasn't there. No, right now he was probably lip-locked with that stupid singing hobbit. Julian's fists clenched and he practically ran to his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

_It's more than I can stand!_

He paced, stomping around his room, furious at the world and himself. Why did it have to be Logan? Why did it have to be complicated?

_Why does my heart cry?_

He thought of Logan: of his green eyes and the way the corners crinkled those few times he really smiled, the way his laugh sounded, the confidence he exuded when he sang.

_Feelings I can't fight,_

He thought of the way he had looked when he first saw Blaine. His eyes had lit up as if he was seeing the sunrise for the first time. Julian remembered every conversation about Blaine, when Logan still wasn't sure if he should make a move. Every time, Julian had encouraged him, had offered him support and suggestions for how to get the little Warbler, had masked his pain to help his friend.

_You're free to leave me,  
>But just don't deceive me-<em>

Logan never saw that Julian looked at him as if the earth revolved around his existence. He never saw how he pined for him, how his heart ached every time he looked at another boy in just the way Julian wanted to be looked at.

Julian flopped onto his bed, burrowing under the covers without bothering to change into pajamas. On his nightstand was a framed picture of him, Logan, and Derek, all standing together and smiling at the camera. It was right after one of Derek's soccer games, so the athlete was still in his uniform, his hair slicked up at odd angles from sweat. He had one arm slung around each of his friend's shoulders and was grinning like a madmen at his team's win. Julian was laughing behind his shades and even Logan had a particularly large grin on his face.

Julian stared at the picture for a few minutes.

_And please,  
>Believe me when I say-<em>

He looked at Logan, smiling at the camera, smiling genuinely. Smiling the way he did when he saw or talked about Blaine. Julian fought back the tears that stung his eyes. He never cried over Logan, never, but tonight he was hit hard with the reality that Logan was with someone else, and perhaps for the rest of Julian's life he would watch Logan be with someone else.

"_I love you," _he whispered.

Julian didn't fall asleep, but stayed in bed for hours, listening to the sounds of Stuart. All was silent after midnight, until around one o'clock he heard the sounds of footsteps, then a door opening and closing quietly.

_Why does my heart cry?_

Logan had just gotten back from being with Blaine. Julian closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep and forget about everything, about Logan…

_Feelings I can't fight._


End file.
